Something Stupid Like a Love Song
by fights
Summary: Batman is turned into "the heroine of a musical" due to Circe's wrath and ends up a performer at the Penguin's club. Batman knows the counter-curse spell, but not the prince to save her. AU, Genderbend, slash, Crack. Joker/Batman, Two-Face/Batman R
1. Chapter 00: Batsy

**Title**: Something Stupid like a Love Song  
**Author**: (Fights) Ol' Fighty  
**Rating**: PG  
**Disclaimer**: Batman: The Animated Series, Music in this chapter Grease. I do not own either properties. This is just fannishness.  
**Warnings**: Genderbend. Crack. OC.  
**Pairings**: Joker/Batman, Superman/Batman, Two-Face/Batman, Nightwing/Batman  
**Summary**: Batman is missing. Or is he hiding?

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_**Something Stupid like a Love Song**_  
**Prologue: **  
[Batsy]  
CH 00

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When the Joker first heard that Batman was missing, he didn't believe it. Shook his head, ran his finger down the misting glass. As his thoughts heated thickening his noodle into a brown, thick goo, his eyes sharpened, shattering his glass that was in his clap with his heavy scrutiny. The joke had been pulled before and it wasn't very funny to pull the same joke twice. So he decided to do the did the usual. He knocked over a bank, emptied the contents and blew it on things that a Joker only would. Cream pies, strange shoes, meat for the hyenas. Life was all grand, but it was missing a certain bat. And what was life without Batman, great for his men, great for his friends, great for the criminal underworld... But... The Joker found himself over the pool table at some bar, scribbling something that he found ended up looking like Batman's chin and promptly tore the paper to shreds.

"Where is he?"

Three weeks later, people are coming down to the dark, sinking basement bar the Joker holed up in. Bothering to the Clown Prince of Gotham. Asking HIM where Batman has gone. Like he is supposed to know! The Joker frowned, incredulous. And then shot with his eyes, the old, "I'm going to kill you if you don't remove yourself from my sight" after that he just... sulked. If they were asking him, who was he going to ask? First Catwoman, then Nightwing and Commissioner Gordon.

Two-Face was decent enough to spend time with him, but he seemed more concerned about Bruce Wayne's absence.

Half of him did, at least.

The Joker found himself drowning in a pool of his own upturned beer, asking: "Where is he?"

One month without Batman and the Joker is waltzing down a street without much protest. Most of Gotham bankrupt with crime, police barely holding it together and those corrupt cops not even bothering to hide it. Which bothered the Joker a bit, because it was his town and everyone in Gotham should be afraid of him. Really, he wasn't picking off corrupt police to help out the vigilantes, that was Batman's job. And he wasn't Batman and Nightwing wasn't Batman. And Robin... Who was Robin anyway? The Joker didn't have to run into Robin (or run him over), because he tried and if it wasn't for Batgirl (also not Batman) he wouldn't got the job done.

So the Joker was there, dangling a crooked cop by the leg over a tank and he found himself hissing, "Where is he?"

It frightened him so much that he dropped him, just in time for Robin to save the balding policeman.

Weeks after he had busted out of Arkham, he found himself bumming on a boring and deserted street.

"Where is he?" The Joker asked sadly.

"Who Mista J?" Asked his blonde assistant in an empty-headed way.

"WHO ELSE! WHO ELSE HAS THE BALLS TO PLAY POOL IN THIS DINGE-TOWN!" The Joker was on his feet, vibrating with rage under a streetlight. "THE GOTHAM KNIGHT! THE BOY SCOUT IN GREY TIGHTS~OOH! Where is he?"

Almost two weeks and no Batman. No banana fights on a train full of trained and angry chimpanzees, no knife fights on a Ferris Wheel with balloons full off his special laughing gas, no more hand holding his neck with a firm grip... The Joker was sniffling, no more head two centimetres away from death with Batman pulling him to safety. No Batman to break through a window or knock down a sign with a stern face and broad shoulders standing tall, cape billowing.

"OH, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" The Joker then walked away from his henchmen and Harley, shoving his hands in his pockets before he... killed. And now killing was no fun without Bats.

"But Puddin'..."

"Joker." One henchmen tried.

"Boss." Tried the other.

"Don't follow me your I'll kill all of you!"

Ten minutes later, the Joker was 100% his henchmen were no longer with him. (Not even Harley.)

The Joker took a deep breath when he knew was alone. Head sinking until his chin rested on his chest.

He was alone now.

No Batman.

The mist seemed to gather at his feet at the most inopportune time setting the stage for something else.

"_Stranded at Gotham, branded a fool._" The Joker mumbled the familiar musical tune, toying with the lyrics. "_What will they say, Monday on news._"

He kicked his legs, walking down the street while humming the worn out song.

"_Batman, can't you see. We made our start, now we're apart. There's nothing left for me... Batsy's flown—all alone. I sit and wonder why-I-I-I—oh why, you left me, oh Batsy._"

The Joker leaped in front of a shining light coming from an abandoned store, getting into the mood. Hoping Batman would hear and coming running as he always did if he heard.

"_Oh Batman! Batsy, someday~when our fight is all done. Some how, some way, your life will be done. In heaven, forever, and ever you will be..._" The Joker sighed, knowing an annoyed Batman wouldn't come. Even if he faked his own demise or even actually disappeared. "_Oh please say you'll stay—Oh Batsy._"

It was then that Superman cleared his throat, the Flash and Wonder Woman snickering behind him.

"How long were you there?" The Joker recoiled, resuming his villainous role. "Hello, hello. We're all out of kryptonite, blue boy—ACK!"

"Superman!" Wonder Woman's eyes reprimanded the Kryptonian, which caused Kal El to relax his grasp around the Joker's firmly gripped throat.

"Where is he?" The Metropolis superhero demanded.

"Who? Robin? He flew the coop!—GAH!" The Joker kicked at Superman, but it was useless. "I swear I didn't kill him, even though I really did try—GAH! "

"Stop it," Wonder Woman stated firmly, arms folded but made no effort to stop the choking or hold on the Joker's neck. "I know you're mad, but we can't hurt the Joker just because Batman is missing."

"Batman is missing?" The clown managed to rasp, which seemed to loosen the choke-hold a little. "So he's not just missing in Gotham, it's all across the board. Hmm..."

"But he's definitely in Gotham." The Flash added.

Superman released his victim, who dropped to the ground with a flail.

"Well if he's at Gotham, he's got five banks to pick up!" The Joker caustically spat, eyes shooting up at SuperJerk.

"LISTEN," Superman warned, stopping only because looking at the rumpled and slightly abused Joker made him feel guilty.

Batman would have stopped him.

...Maybe.

Superman turned on his heel even before the Flash could even follow. "I'm done here..."

"Hm..." The Joker rubbed his sore neck, "And here I thought you were going to break my neck a little."

"Why would I?" Super replied cruelly, "You're nothing without Batman."

"Low blow, Supes." The Flash watched Superman take off, it was pretty clear by the way he took off where he was going.

Wonder Woman clenched her fists and followed.

"_I sit and wonder why.... Oh Sandy..._" The Flash hummed the rest as he disappeared quickly, surprisingly left behind.

"What's up his butt, sheesh." The Joker jumped to his feet, the pain had been more an annoyance than a hindrance. "Batman goes missing for three months, Gotham is overtaken with crime and Superman's gone koo~koo, koo~koo." The Joker whirled his hand over his ear and rolled his eyes.

It was then that his eyes caught the familiar slipping shadow.

"Bats."

All the Joker could hear in response was the muffled, but sweet, melodious sound of a woman singing out to him, "_I'm out of my head, hopelessly devoted to you._"

-

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Note:  
I needed a short break from Knightly Virtues (ending REALLY soon) and something that will be ready for me when it ends. Thus this fanfics missing what I love musicals, crack and genderbend. I don't want to spoil what is going to happen. Basically after this fic, I'm going to finish up Knightly Virtues and then write the next chapter to this.

This is also a thank you for BTAS for existing. LOL!


	2. Chapter 01: Nobody Does it Better

**Title**: Something Stupid like a Love Song  
**Author**: (Fights) Ol' Fighty  
**Rating**: PG  
**Disclaimer**: Batman: The Animated Series, Music in this chapter from James Bond. I do not own either property. This is just fannishness.  
**Warnings**: Genderbend. Crack. OC.  
**Pairings**: Joker/Batman, Superman/Batman, Two-Face/Batman, Nightwing/Batman  
**Summary**: Two Face has a new girl.

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**Something Stupid like a Love Song**

[Nobody Does it Better]  
CH 01

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The news first came from a squealing pig the Joker had squeezed on the way to robbing the local ice cream parlour.

So far it was the best thing he had heard ever since the Clown Prince of Crime tossed that one guy from the fourth floor of the Gotham Bank. It was the major criminal love story of the year!

Two-Face got a girl to kiss his face! The ugly side of his face! (Now if only he'd find a younger or older sister for the Penguin and then Gotham would all be set.) The tale had been a long winded one: A lost pet wandering around, alone, unable to talk and Two-Face got the pretty bird to sing. A pretty little siren that sat on Two-Face's right side, held his right hand—that wasn't just ordinary news! That was high class entertainment! Add some drama that the Joker was sitting pretty with a box of popcorn.

"Ah, life without Batman was like Catwoman without twelve cats." The Joker amused himself with how old Batman's old beau was getting, "even Lexy doesn't quite hobble the way he used to. All of the Super-villains seem to be aging horribly in general. Maybe it's good that Two Face might be settling down, although it might be a little too hasty to predict. It would be nice to have another super-villain wedding. I don't even think we've even had ONE!"

And as much as the Joker enjoyed petty crime, he didn't enjoy it a quarter as much without his knight in hot black tights.

"Bats has been gone for far too long, probably fighting ninjas in Japan, or fighting Aliens in space to save space because he's a member of the Justice League, or maybe he's got a girlfr—that last one was a joke, by the way," the Joker smirked to no one in particular, while scooping out Two's Face's heavily guarded entrance with enough muscle to make it a clam bake. "If he had a girlfriend she would have been at the end of a different joke. A man like the Bats isn't the type to have a girlfriend on the side, old Two-Face used to be like that. No, look at him, thinking about a steady job, good income..."

His cellphone sang a simple jingle until he answered it and pressed it to his ear, "Two-Face, can I take your order? Half and half again?"

"You're gonna talk to yourself all night or are you gonna come in?"

"I'd thought you'd never ask? I just walk in? No invitation?" Of course, from reading and watching Sleeping Beauty, NOT inviting the bad Witch was just bad form.

"I'm inviting you in!" Harvey hissed through his cell phone. "Just don't make any more noise you'll alert the snitches."

"I'm invited! Open the gates, the Joker has arrived!" In seconds, the sound of gunshots and shouting were the sounds coming through the receiver on Two Face's end.

"Jesus," Harvey harrumphed before the tone went dead. Joker shrugged before closing his cell phone. It was quite obvious that this was a new lounge and new business that Cobblepot was talking about.

Most of the construction was going underway, but it was looking very... Interesting! Bats may have been gone, but things were starting to get spicy on the dark side of town.

"So where is this little bird with a broken wing," the Joker leaned into his steps, grinning like a maniac at both faces of his split-faced host.

"Joker! Tell me two reasons why I shouldn't blow you to bits! My girl is scared of guns!"

"What girl isn't when it's pointed at her? By the way, the answer for why you shouldn't blow me to bits is because I have more guns and bombs and grenades that you, Two-Face—but you knew that! I've got guns too!"

Joker waved his still usable gun as emphasis. "Me two! Get it? Hahaheehoohaaaa! Wait! I listed three things. Now where's the girl, before I forget. If there's a girl and it's not an M-A-N."

Harvey turned away and grumbled some more while fingering his favourite coin. "Belinda! Show this clown what real entertainment is like!"

"Yeah B!" The Joker yelled at the still incomplete, empty stage. "Show us your stuff!"

The mob men and gangsters around him began to seat themselves as the newly installed lights dimmed, except for several light that fluttered on the black stage curtains like stars.

A woman stepped onto the stage to the beat of the intro, onto the floor, capturing the attention of every man with each step.

The stage light beamed onto the girl, illuminating her and casting a shadow behind her like the batsignal on the sky.

"**_Nobody does it better, makes me feel sad for the rest_,**" a voice rose she sang out.

Her eyes crashed into the Joker's causing him to gulp, he shot a look at Two-Face to confirm his surprise, who merely smiled. "I told you she was great."

Her character type just made the Joker squirm. Her eyes had the same piercing quality of a sharp, jabbing tack, the sparkle of a diamond in the sky blue ocean. She bore the angry and demanding air of a sophisticated tutor or school marm, her mouth was clenched tight and in that expression one could see her clacking a ruler down against a delinquent's desk for misbehaviour. Her hair was a short cropped black hair, boyish but he sway was womanly, wholesome. With a rounded posterior and a set of hips (a gift for the future generation), it seemed so unnatural for a woman with an hour glass figure to exist, a plastic surgeon fanatic or something, magic... There was no way someone was that beautiful naturally.

It was her eyes that shot the Joker with a thousand volts of blue electricity.

Her hands possessed the microphone stand, gripping the metal with intent.

"**_Nobody does it half as good as you_,**" she leaned into the microphone and sang out, "**_baby, you're the best!_**"

The Joker stood staring at the woman, dumbfounded. She was beautiful!

Two-Face merely folded his arms and basked in the accolades of his lovely bird.

She was beyond the regular beauty what Gotham had to offer. How did... What did she see in Two-Face. It didn't make sense.

The rest of the lights burst on, and it was then that everyone could see her dress. A spaghetti-strapped black dress that was simple, classic design but hugged the form of her body like it was sewn onto her body. The dress was cut short. It appeared that Two-Face's lady love loved to show some skin.

"**_I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found me, I tried to hide from your love light._**" Her hand shot out, "_**But like heaven above me, the spy who loved me is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight**._"

"**_And nobody does it better, though sometimes I wish someone could. Nobody does it quite the way you do..._**" She unhooked the microphone and. "**_Why'd you have to be so good?_**"

"**_Oh, and nobody does it better. Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it half as good as you. Baby, baby, darlin', you're the best!_**"

The Joker gripped his arm rests tightly.

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_to be continued_

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**Author's note:**  
It's quite obvious who this is. It's not a Mary-Sue but Bruce. I just want to clarify that.


End file.
